The Heart of the Matter

I listened to this awesome lyric tonight by chance, and captured my current state of heart. As the songwriter put it, "the first person to benefit from forgiveness is the one who does the forgiving".
I was with her for more than 10 years, and I don't anticipate ever being over it, but I do think I can forgive. I would certainly be better off forgiving.


I got the call today, I didn't want to hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are those voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand,
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
Ah, the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Oh, pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us, you know it doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live with out you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life
Who've come and gone
They let you down
You know they've hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby
'Cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger
It'll eat you up inside baby

I've been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me

I've been tryin' to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So, I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if , even if you don't love me

Forgiveness, forgiveness, baby
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Forgiveness, forgiveness
Forgiveness, forgiveness

---

Let's see how deep into 2017 I can go without speaking or writing her name. I have a full life and much to do and if I can forgive the loss of 15 years I may find that I have the energy of a young man of 46 ha-ha!

New Year's Resolutions

Well, why not?

• Get back to a healthy weight through a plant-based diet. 
• REASON: I'm not grossly obese but it seems to be pumping up my blood pressure, and that's not good. 
• TASKS: 
• Clear my kitchen of animal-based products and candy. 
• Get a scales and measure daily onto TWINE.
• Manage Spending
• REASON: I want to keep  my home so I have a comfortable retirement
• TASKS
• Build and use 2017 Money spreadsheet to include all spending
• File taxes by end of January
• Keep renters paying on time
• Revise rent as needed
• Develop 3 new friends
• REASON: I need friends. It's obvious
• TASKS:
• Participate fully in Toastmasters - 2 evenings/month
• Participate DAV - 3 weekends/month
• Work - I don't know whether that's a good venue
• YMCA - participate 4 times/week and talk with people every time 
• Neighbors - I'm not sure how to do that
• Refinance home
• REASON: I don't want to lost it at the end of the year
• TASKS:
• File taxes
• Write business plan for home
• Try Gerry Rasmussen
• Try credit unions
• What else?

Time Goes By So Fast ...

...it's the end of 2016 already. I have the rhythm of this job down pretty solidly, so now the problem is fitting in life around it. I have an hour in the morning and perhaps two in the evening, which are absorbed if I hit the Y or Toastmasters - wise uses of my time, to be sure.
I use technology (the roomba, washing machines) to extend my capabilities but nothing can really compensate for being alone.

Boxing Day 2016

I had planned to spend the day after Christmas relaxing around the house, cleaning and puttering. Since Kiara was home, I asked her help moving the chest of drawers out of the laundry room, up into the Green Room. When I was in the basement, it was a symbol of my lowly state, using something Ginger had left behind, but after its year in exile, it was now just a nice thing that looked well in my bedroom and served a purpose ... even if it, like me, had a past.
Around 5 I got a text from Mushroom Eric saying he had books to donate. I had skipped my usual cycle due to the holiday, but this was very convenient. I zoomed right over to Pegasus and was soon in a discussion of our respective holidays. It turns out he's familiar with the area around Gail's farm and inn. Perhaps he's check it out next time he's there.
Emma was in the back and we started discussing books but somehow it got onto TV. Her take on some of my favorites seems to lean heavily on her work as an editor - the way that the characters work together technically explains some of my reactions to them emotionally. This was interesting.

Post Christmas Day 2016

If I write every morning, I can write either about the events of the night (at this stage of my life, little enough) or of the day before. If I do the latter, it seems more natural to backdate the post so it appears I write that evening.
This Christmas morning Eric was smoking on the front step. I had given him a ride home from Kat's annual Christmas Eve party, but we talked so much through Everett that I clear forgot the turnoff and while initially I was annoyed, I realized that I needed to be more social and try a little conversation. It was really pretty interesting as we are now both on the windy side of age 50 and have hard-earned wisdom to share at a time where it might actually make a difference.
For example, we can be frank about the effect of being whipped as children - he much worse than I, and it shows.
I was in the grip of my annual seasonal allergy - there's something that releases into the atmosphere near the end of the year that my body spends three days fighting, and the best I can do is sleep it off - otherwise I might have pulled an all-nighter just talking. I was careful to text the housemates that Eric would be crashing upstairs and remind him the basement was theirs and off-limits to us - drawing boundaries is really important - and then I slept pretty solidly. In the morning Eric and I talked for another hour or three while I did casual cleaning. When it was time to drive the girls to Convington, Eric turned down the offer of a ride, saying he wanted to explore and adventure - maybe the busses were running, maybe he'd just walk - a thing he's really good at. Eric's in a better place than he had been for a while. Losing his wife (common-law wife, but wife nonetheless) was really hard, and I don't think the circumstances with her family helped at all, but he's carrying on and has found ways of dealing with the bipolar/depression he inherited and the PTSD he was given (it's a nature/lack-of-nuture thing) and he seems to have work and plans for the future which is good.
The Covington trip was uneventful and I returned without the benefit of navigation, discovering a few roads I had not seem before - likely not the most efficient trip but that's partly the point, am I right?
The rest of the day was me and the cats. The Hoover Roombaclone fascinates them as it delights me. It is getting a solid workout this first week at home, as there is more than five years of cat hair - I sweep weekly or better but there's no denying this new broom replacement sweeps clean.
The allergy is a good enough reason to turn in early. I am along but for the cats, and they're just as happy to have me stay in one place so they can demand attention.

Christmas Eve at Kat's

Every Christmas Eve my system Kat throws a family gathering, and it's something I would not miss. I had a good excuse this year, because my seasonal allergy is kicking up something fierce, but this year is more special than most, for a sad reason - my brother-in-law Jim is dying of cancer and while he never complains where I can see it, nobody is happy about this and he worries about his family. So I have to be there, not to say goodbye because that's not what he wants, but because just because.
When I got there, they had just gotten back from a Seahawks game, and Jim got his jersey signed by a bunch of retired players. He's going to retire that jersey now, I'm sure. Brad Kirby brought out the Jim Beam and we all toasted.
The joy of the evening was Ryder, one-year-old son of Stephanie and David. He's active and cheerful and likes to roll around in the wrapping paper, pick up the plastic canes full of nips and take them to his mother, and open and close the ring boxes someone had put a Seahawks ring in. It was interesting to see him figure out the box; he knew that it opened but the way he held it by default was with his hands in the middle, so he didn't have enough strength to open it. He then moved his hands to the edge and that gave him the leverage to open it and look inside. He did this at least three times while I watched and he showed me. He's a bright boy, which is not surprising considering his parents.
There was lots of food, more than anybody needed. For the gift exchange I got an "ugly sweater" kit which looks kind of interesting - I have almost a year to assemble it for without doubt I must wear it to next year's party at Kat's.
I gave Sue and Caellie a ride home, and then intended to give Eric a ride home but we talked clear past his exit so what the heck, we talked more when I got home and he'll crash in the guest room.
It was a good party.

Is It OK To Love A Recliner?

I was shopping around for a recliner to help with my presumed sleep apnea, when I saw Costco's offering. It was about the price I'd been expected. It was leather rather than cloth, but I'd been told leather last longer so perhaps I'll give that a try, and it was electric rather than manual - a luxury but perhaps worth it. It even came with USB ports in one arm which puzzled me, but I suppose that's the style.
I say in it in the store, and was sold. Instantly. My body said, "Yes, I want a recliner. Take this one."
There was no way the box was fitting in my Saturn, so I called Dan and he said come on over. He was just finishing up a brake job on his truck so my timing was pretty good. He helped me wrestle the thing into my house - one thing Dan is really good at is packing and moving stuff - and all it cost me was a Costco rotisserie chicken - Dan does not like to cook, so giving him prepared good is what he wants in payment, and why not?
It's working out well. I slept very soundly every night. It's still got that new leather smell that I don't like but I think my concerns about that are more related to my seasonal allergy - at least I hope it's not the leather - and I've slept very soundly in it. I don't wake up except to pee; I having woken up with the racing heartbeat and I don't have that background feeling of anxiety that I had just assumed was part of being my age.
I don't see an improvement in my blood pressure yet. I need to give this a solid month and also implement a more serious dietary reform because I conclude whether the problem is solved without a CPAP.
In the meantime, I am really enjoying the better sleep. I really like the recliner. I don't love it as I love my cats, but in its chair way it is worthy of affection.

DAV 23 End of Trusteeship

Saturday December 17, 2016 was the end of the Trusteeship of DAV Chapter 23 (West Seattle) and the election of a reform slate of candidates.
The meeting began with the Trustees turning over the meeting to an official from National, who read a list of 10 conditions for ending the Trusteeship. We had all heard they were coming but didn't know what they were, and were worried. There was nothing to worry about; the 10 conditions were all things that we should be doing and should have been doing all along, such as getting the Service Officer Program regularized, with posted and official hours. In some cases the conditions appeared to be direct responses to things in the reform slate's letter to National, such as emphasizing that the Chapter exists to provide service, not merely as a social club for its members. Maybe it was a coincidence, but anyway the conditions were welcome, at least by the reform group.
The next step was the election, presided over by National in a professional but good-humored way. The Bylaws in effect were from several decades ago and included several provisions no longer in common use at DAV (such as including a Judge Advocate on the executive board); one of the conditions was to bring the Bylaws up to date which would almost certainly eliminate the superfluous positions, but in the meantime we had to follow the rules in effect. Whenever there was a question, the official would read the pertinent section from the Bylaws and that was a pretty professional way of handling things. It certainly made it impossible to disagree with the ruling!
During the election, there were several moments of humor. Whenever there was a problem with the voting or a lost pen or anything, someone would say "The Russians Did It!" and everyone laughed.
The first balloting was by writing names on slips of paper, which sounds straightforward but don't worry, there were ways for there to be problems. Three candidates were nominated for Commander - one candidate was "Ron Bryant" and another candidate is "Roy Brimley". Some people wrote R scribble Br scribble had to be decyphered. The reform slate had intended to nominate Mr. Bryant but when snap elections were called he was on his annual residence out of state. The reform posse then picked Mr. Williams but word didn't get around so both reform candidates got nominated, splitting the vote. Fortunately for reform, Williams got one more vote but it was a near thing.
But that didn't end it. The list of all members included 23 who were present. 24 ballots were counted. We were all surprised. It seemed inconceivable that anyone would vote twice, but a count is a count.
The National official conducted a second balloting. This was complicated because one more Member had come in the door; the official admitted the member and ruled that the doors were now closed; anyone else coming in couldn't vote for the rest of the meeting.
For the second ballot, there were 24 members present on the membership roll, and 25 ballots. Now we were REALLY confused; it just not seem possible that someone would cast two ballots both as a matter of fairness AND now with everyone watching what was going on. The National guy ruled we needed to go with a raise-hand ballot; he pointed at each of the Members in turn, who then voted. Result: 25 votes, out of a list of 24.
More puzzlement. Finally by comparing the names on the list to everyone in the room it was figured out that one long-time member, who had a valid Chapter ID card and everything, had have been assigned to Chapter 23 Wyoming instead of Chapter 23 Washington State. Since he'd never lived in Wyoming the National officer ruled this this was a clerical error, the member's vote was counted, and the tally finished at 25.
Since I'm in the Auxiliary I did not vote, but the Officer running did not necessarily no this nor would it have been prudent to make assumptions, so when he pointed at me, at first I waved him off but, when he asked if I was abstaining, I said "Not Eligible" - more words than I've spoken aloud at the last six meetings.
The Reform slate took the positions of Commander, Senior Vice Commander and Treasurer; the old guard retained Junior Vice Commander and Chaplain. The other positions - which would be eliminated when the Bylaws were reformed - were tossed around like hot potatoes until various people agreed to hold them, just to satisfy the rules. The election the adjourned, and new Commander elect held a brief meeting. He made it a point that everyone was allowed and encouraged to speak up, and several people made various comments. That seemed to be a good start; we will not agree on everything and that's actually a good thing, but open conversation is the basis of a healthy organization like this.
The meeting adjourned and then people just hung out talking for a long time after - another good sign. Upstairs the Department of Washington was conducting a training of some sort, making good use of this building for the first time but surely not for the last time.
All in all, this was a good day. The Chapter is on its way to health and service. I am proud to have helped with written advocacy, putting the ideas of the reform group into a written form that the national office could understand. Often people who are experts in their subject matter area are just not great at expressing their facts and intentions in a way that effectively advocates for their position, but that's ok - that's what I do when I can.

December Memes

It is a dark time. But we can still laugh.