"The annual Swimsuit Issue has always been a cash cow for us," explained SI owner Jack Emoff. "And our recent cover featuring a woman displaying her shaved mons veneris has been empowering to all women who make money from their bodies. "
"But our readers have been complaining. 'Too much swimsuit!' they said. And it has been a struggle, finding ways to display the female figure with those bits of cloth in the way. So we'll give our customers what they want. And rest assured that it will be sports-related, because isn't women's health is an essential part of women in sports?"
Pundits applauded this move. "I've always enjoyed Sports Illustrated," said Domincan sex tourism expert Rush Limbaugh, "But it mystified me why they covered up the lady parts with bikini bottoms or an artfully placed horse. That was just more political correctness from the liberal thought police."
Montana Republican legislature David Moore disagreed. "If you show female nipples in public, what next? Male nipples? Yoga pants? I submitted a bill making those illegal, and I hope Sports Illustrated would join me in my crusade to get Olympic boxers to wear t-shirts. They're disgusting - and yet strangely exciting."
There was even support from surprising quarters, as the American Family Association applauded the prospect of an issue of Sports Illustrated featuring unclad women displaying their lady parts. "Porn has always sold well in parts of the country dominated by religious conservatives," explained a spokesman wearing a male burka. "The sale of millions of copies of this magazine stimulates our public economy was well as our privates."
, Michael Pollan describes how plants get us to move them around by providing us with things we want: beauty, sweetness, the alteration of our mental states.
