Tuesday, February 12, 2008

How to use APC for Media Mail

1. At home (or, optionally, at USPS if you're lonely): weigh packages, mark poundage upper left corner (where the stamp will cover it) (Anything under 13 oz send 1st Class Mail). Stamp "Media Mail"
Count how many of each weight.

2. At APC:
2.1 Pick "buy stamps"
2.2 Pick "other postage amount"
2.3 Punch in amount for one poundage category, e.g. $2.13 for 1 lb media mail
2.4 Tell APC how many you want. This may take several passes, if the APC is limited to printing 5 stamps at a time.
2.5 Repeat 2.3 - 2.4 for each poundage category
2.6 Apply stamps, put in tubs, and politely leave on counter.

3. It is considered poor form to taunt the people waiting in line, but you can feel silently smug.

Executive Order Changes Integer Sequence

Dude Ranch, TX - George W Bush issued an executive order today reducing the number of Americans under fire in Iraq to a low of 150,000, down from the 2006 high of 130,000.

"To achieve this reduction," said the order, "The generals on the ground have determined that we must define 150,000 to be less than 130,000. The American people do not want the traditional sequence of integers to interfere with the judgment of the generals whose paychecks depend on pleasing Me. I therefore order that 150,000 be less than 130,000."

"Nothing in the Constitution keeps the President from reordering the integers," said White House spokesdroid Dana Perino. "Congress has never prohibited the Federal Government from doing this, and there are no court cases to the contrary."

Reaction was swift and approving. "We have long applied similar logic to reducing the deficit," said Republican lead Mitch McConnell, "We reduced the high deficit of a surplus during the Clinton years to an all-time low of a $400 billion deficit under Bush."

Democrats in Congress issued their traditional ritual denunciation. "By golly, he's got us on that one," said Majority Placeholder Harry Reid. "But what can we do? Even if the House impeached him, an executive order can define 23 Republican diehards as a majority in the Senate."

"We plan similar reforms in the electoral process," smiled White House puppeteer Karl Rove. "Once you realize that 100 million votes for a Democratic Party candidate can by executive order be made than 55 million Republican votes, the whole process is simplified. Give up!"