- My earmarks are reasonable and necessary for the health and safety of our community.
- Your earmarks, if you are a member of my political party are questionable, but possibly defensible.
- Earmarks inserted by anyone in another political party are wasteful, abusive and corrupt.
"This explains everything," said a spokesman for the Earmarks Study Institute (federally funded by special appropriation since 1988). "It is not necessary to study the actual content or impact of any particular earmark to determine whether it is worthy and helpful to our nation; you only need to know who proposed it."
Pundits applauded the discovery of these laws. "Formerly, we were sometimes inconvenienced by having to determine whether an earmark was funding the fight against a dread disease, or a literal bridge to nowhere," said one retired Congressman now working at the Talking Heads News Service. "Now, we can decide whether to support or deride an appropriation merely by looking at the (R) or (D) affixed to it!"