"Without going into too much detail, I note that I've had two people in my life, related to one another, who -- directly or indirectly -- have let me know in recent days about some extremely bad health news. I had cut both these people out of my life some time ago because I cannot tolerate their values, which they consider good Christian values. We were not close but were perhaps expected to be, on some level. It became easier to choose the path of no interaction at all, rather than following my usual habit of avoiding meaningful conversation in order to keep the peace.
I knew it would probably come to this eventually, with a personal crisis of some sort, probably health related. Now there are two such crises happening at once. Truthfully, I still would rather keep my distance, especially at this precise moment in current affairs. As I say, we are not close emotionally or socially, and I can't see us being close ever again. But I've already talked to one briefly, and need to talk to both again sympathetically now that the other shoe has dropped. Basically, I never outright said I can't forgive them and now isn't the time to say that.
How have others navigated these waters? Any thoughts?"
This really made me think. I could be in this position at any time. Eventually, I replied:
That's a tough one!
What I'm hearing (...correct me if I am wrong...) is that you have a value of being decent to people who are sick.
This value conflicts with your value of being decent to yourself, which has required cutting contact with them (for whatever reason .... doesn't really matter, does it? being decent to yourself required it.)
This reminds me of my visit to the deathbed of my father. I detested him, for he beat me, and it's healthy to resent being beaten. I would have forgiven him had he apologized, but he was not capable of that so I cut myself off from him, for my own good.
It came to pass that he was near death (emphysema from a lifetime of smoking ... really a dreadful way to go, it's like drowning in slow motion.) I had no interest in flying across the continent to see him but did so because it was the proper thing to do ... perhaps my mother asked, and that request I would not refuse ... or perhaps it was to escort back my youngest brother who I had been basically fostering...
...anyway, at that last visit, my father waved me close. "Don't let Eric [my youngest brother] end up like me" he begged, and I agreed. It might have eased his mind a little, who knows? Or maybe it was the only way he could express his need for help without expressing regret for what he'd done to me.
Soberly agreeing to his request didn't hurt me and it might have helped him a little. I had not really thought through this moment but I think I went through a process:
A first step is to decide what are the boundaries, e.g. refusing to discuss or respond to a particular topic, and visualizing ending the conversation if your boundaries are trod upon. I absolutely was not going to tolerate any verbal abuse, and it didn't happen in my case, everyone seemed to be focussed on something else entirely.
Another step was to decide to accept as a fact that they will never change, so there is no wasting time nor hope on that.
Finally, there is trying to figure out beforehand what they are looking for. If all they want is a conversation on a topic within boundaries, that may be a very different thing than them wanting you to tolerate their boundary-breaking. Their bad luck is not a license to compel you to tolerate their bad behavior, but if all they want is a kind word, you might feel comfortable giving that to them ... not approving of their past conduct, but recognizing and sympathizing for their ill fortune.
I did feel a little sorry for my father's bad condition. I was not looking for revenge, and he did look miserable. I did not feel sorry enough to violate any boundary however - I had a duty to myself after all.
I hope these thoughts are helpful. If you can offer a kindness without fear of boundary breach you might be able to live your values - but if the risk is too great, that's on them, not on you....IMO.
