Last night I came to a decision about whether to spend my vacation, and a big chunk of money, going into the 50 year anniversary of the SCA.
When my sister, who is a saint!, asked if I was going I realize that it would be very pleasant to reconnect with my friends of 30 years ago. Well, 40 years ago. I had this image of me and the people with whom I had had so much fun way back when, and then home for the most part I had lost touch with.
It would be an expense. However, I am somewhat more prosperous now that I am divorced, and what's the point of prosperity if you can use it for connecting with old friends on a nice vacation? My spirit quest to my Law School reunion turned out amazingly well!!
I have tried going to SCA events recently. My sister invited me to June there a while back. It was a lot of fun, but it was not my fun - it was lots of other people having their fun, and doing it with skill and Gusto. It was like being a spectator at a game, something that I have never enjoyed. It is no dis on the SCA to state frankly that I no longer have any interest in it.
I do have an interest in reconnecting with my friends. And therefore it, it is time for me to get into serious planning and budgeting for the trip to the 50 year. This I have been putting off, and putting off, and putting off. Then I got an email offering a little bit of help with some of the infrastructure, and I had to make a commitment. What to do? Why have I not even research the price of tickets?
This morning I dreamed I attended a countercultural camping event, not explicitly SCA, but I realized symbolically that is what I was thinking about. I worked hard to fit in, but I did not do the Arts or remember the dances or contribute anything except for my exceedingly beautiful self to the proceedings, and I soon wished that I was a different person. Wishing failed to make it so, as so often happens.
I am not a person who enjoys the SCA. I was, at one time, and I wish that I still was, but wishing does not make it so. I have a full and busy life comma and would not enjoy being at the 50-year even if it were free. Since it is far from free to take that time and by that way it is the better part of wisdom to make my apologies. My friends will understand, and the perhaps one or two of them will reach out to me. That's what I wanted anyway, not to intrude on their lives and demand they pay attention to me, which is what would be required for this to be even a bit fun.
The final test of a decision, before it's implementation, is how I feel having made it. I feel relief. I did not want to risk my refinance to be bored for a week, and while I fantasized hooking up with ex-lovers the reality is that wasn't going to happen. Perhaps it may some day, but only after my house is in order, so I have more to bring to the table than the memory of being hot and 20 lol.