King Abdullah Accepts Tribute from Prince Bush
Riyadh - The generous King Abdullah of the Saudi Empire, Lord of All the Earth by Right of Oil, has graciously consented to accept his quarterly tribute from Prince W of America in the form of advanced American weaponry.
"Prince W had offered the traditional pallet of shrink-wrapped $100 bills and controlling shares in American corporations," explained White House spokesmodel Dana Perrino, "But the fall in the dollar made this not pleasing in the King's sight. Soon, American fighter-bombers and heavy ordinance soon put a smile on His Face. And Prince W sealed the deal by promising to block the feeble American Energy Independence Movement."
The value of the tribute was placed at 20 billions of dollars, representing a few weeks of oil dependency.
Reaction was swift. "To balance the Shiite extremists running Iran," explained Secretary of Deference Gates, "We strengthen the Wahhabist extremists who run Saudi Arabia. It's even better than when we gave Stinger missiles to the Taliban. What could possibly go wrong?"
All ordinance will be carefully stamped with the logo "Not For Use Against Israeli or American Forces. Violators Will Lose their Deposits."
The King and his Prince of America were unable for comment. A special beheading had been scheduled to celebrate the occasion.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Monday, January 14, 2008
Patriots vs. Bush Crime Family in Superbowl 2008!
Washington, DC - Superbowl 2008 will feature a matchup between the New England Patriots football team and the Bush Crime Family.
"The Patriots would defeat any professional football team," said a spokesman, "So now it's time to score some yardage against those who have betrayed our great nation."
The Crime Family has a reputation for a strong defense, but their actual record is just the opposite. Early in the season, the Family ignored scouting reports and was surprised by an Al Qaeda aerial offensive.
It did better against the Taliban, scoring heavily in the first quarter, but blew its lead with the infamous "Tora Bora" play. In position to take bin Ladin out of the game, the Family instead pulled its professional talent and hired local players who, predictably, fumbled. The Family never recovered the offensive since it had set its best players into training for the next game.
The third game started with League officials insisted Iraq wasn't on the football schedule. The Family produced a PowerPoint presentation proving that Iraq had a football team ready to launch at America. No Iraqi football was ever found; Coach Bush later claimed it was a misunderstanding since what most of the world calls "football" the Americans call "soccer".
Throwing away the rule book, the Family tried plays that left fans deserting its side. Without any rules on how to score the plays in Iraq or even to define an ending, the game in Iraqi went into multiple overtime, leading to cancellation of matches against Iran, North Korea, Cuba and Bermuda.
This record does not make Patriots confident of overcoming the Family. "The Bush Crime Family's priority is not victory on the field," said a spokesman, "It's a profit-making organization. And no-one is better at separating fans and taxpayers from their money."
Washington, DC - Superbowl 2008 will feature a matchup between the New England Patriots football team and the Bush Crime Family.
"The Patriots would defeat any professional football team," said a spokesman, "So now it's time to score some yardage against those who have betrayed our great nation."
The Crime Family has a reputation for a strong defense, but their actual record is just the opposite. Early in the season, the Family ignored scouting reports and was surprised by an Al Qaeda aerial offensive.
It did better against the Taliban, scoring heavily in the first quarter, but blew its lead with the infamous "Tora Bora" play. In position to take bin Ladin out of the game, the Family instead pulled its professional talent and hired local players who, predictably, fumbled. The Family never recovered the offensive since it had set its best players into training for the next game.
The third game started with League officials insisted Iraq wasn't on the football schedule. The Family produced a PowerPoint presentation proving that Iraq had a football team ready to launch at America. No Iraqi football was ever found; Coach Bush later claimed it was a misunderstanding since what most of the world calls "football" the Americans call "soccer".
Throwing away the rule book, the Family tried plays that left fans deserting its side. Without any rules on how to score the plays in Iraq or even to define an ending, the game in Iraqi went into multiple overtime, leading to cancellation of matches against Iran, North Korea, Cuba and Bermuda.
This record does not make Patriots confident of overcoming the Family. "The Bush Crime Family's priority is not victory on the field," said a spokesman, "It's a profit-making organization. And no-one is better at separating fans and taxpayers from their money."
Sunday, January 13, 2008
VotePoke: Keep Your Right to Vote
How do you KNOW you are registered to vote?
You voted last year, huh? Well so what. The Republican Party worked very hard to throw thousands of validly registered voters off the rolls in 2004 and 2006. They'll try again in 2008, you can bet on it!
But - you can fight back by checking your voter registration online at http://votepoke.org
Voter registrations are PUBLIC information. The GOP uses this information to match again lists of voters who are likely to vote Democratic, and then submit forms swearing that they know those voters don't live at that address - usually committing perjury the process, but they haven't been prosecuted. See http://projectvote.org/issues/voter-caging.html
The 1st thing to do is to confirm you're still registered at your home address (or change your registration to match your home address): http://votepoke.org
The next thing is to pass this information to people who you think would find it interesting. Regardless of political affiliation, all American citizens have the right to vote!
How do you KNOW you are registered to vote?
You voted last year, huh? Well so what. The Republican Party worked very hard to throw thousands of validly registered voters off the rolls in 2004 and 2006. They'll try again in 2008, you can bet on it!
But - you can fight back by checking your voter registration online at http://votepoke.org
Voter registrations are PUBLIC information. The GOP uses this information to match again lists of voters who are likely to vote Democratic, and then submit forms swearing that they know those voters don't live at that address - usually committing perjury the process, but they haven't been prosecuted. See http://projectvote.org/issues/voter-caging.html
The 1st thing to do is to confirm you're still registered at your home address (or change your registration to match your home address): http://votepoke.org
The next thing is to pass this information to people who you think would find it interesting. Regardless of political affiliation, all American citizens have the right to vote!
Friday, January 11, 2008
GOP Denounces Racism, Sexism
At their Jan 10, 2008 debate, Republican presidential contenders angrily denounced racist and sexist voters in the New Hampshire primary. "Those who voted against Obama were racist!" thundered Mitt Romney. "Those who voted against Clinton were sexist!"
"And those who voted for the white man John Edwards were both racist AND sexist" agreed white man John McCain.
"911," explained angry New York mayor Rudy Guiliani. "On 911, racism 911'd sexism with 911. 911!"
Huckabee attempted a positive tone. "You can prove that you are not racist and sexist," he assured the audience. "Voting for a white male Republican candidate means you are refusing to vote against either Obama or Clinton!"
Lobbyist Fred Thompson was unawake for comment. Alan Keyes' comment was ignored by the press.
"And those who voted for the white man John Edwards were both racist AND sexist" agreed white man John McCain.
"911," explained angry New York mayor Rudy Guiliani. "On 911, racism 911'd sexism with 911. 911!"
Huckabee attempted a positive tone. "You can prove that you are not racist and sexist," he assured the audience. "Voting for a white male Republican candidate means you are refusing to vote against either Obama or Clinton!"
Lobbyist Fred Thompson was unawake for comment. Alan Keyes' comment was ignored by the press.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Tale of a Middle-Aged Wiremouth
My story is more funny than sad.
While employed and insured, I'd started a course of orthodontia. As a middle-aged man, I'd laughed at the idea of braces, but the doctor explained that bone loss in the jaw could have some very negative health effects. So I took the plunge; my insurance covered most of it.
Then my job was eliminated.
Suddenly it was a choice between paying the rent and finishing the course of orthodontia. It wasn't an ER-type emergency, so I walked around as a wiremouth for a LOT longer than was really good for me.
Eventually, I got insured again, got rid of the braces, and got the bridge. Gradually the deteriorated bone restored itself somewhat, now that the teeth were properly aligned. I don't have the medical knowledge to estimate what that means to my over all health, but it's got to be an improvement.
My story isn't really sad, but can you imagine what if I'd had a really serious dental issue, perhaps an abscess, and no care? It's taught me to pay more attention to health care issues; I think my great nation of America should be #1 in the world.
I do think it's funny that I wore braces longer than any teenager.
( Tell your health care story: http://www.guaranteedhealthcare.org/ )
My story is more funny than sad.
While employed and insured, I'd started a course of orthodontia. As a middle-aged man, I'd laughed at the idea of braces, but the doctor explained that bone loss in the jaw could have some very negative health effects. So I took the plunge; my insurance covered most of it.
Then my job was eliminated.
Suddenly it was a choice between paying the rent and finishing the course of orthodontia. It wasn't an ER-type emergency, so I walked around as a wiremouth for a LOT longer than was really good for me.
Eventually, I got insured again, got rid of the braces, and got the bridge. Gradually the deteriorated bone restored itself somewhat, now that the teeth were properly aligned. I don't have the medical knowledge to estimate what that means to my over all health, but it's got to be an improvement.
My story isn't really sad, but can you imagine what if I'd had a really serious dental issue, perhaps an abscess, and no care? It's taught me to pay more attention to health care issues; I think my great nation of America should be #1 in the world.
I do think it's funny that I wore braces longer than any teenager.
( Tell your health care story: http://www.guaranteedhealthcare.org/ )
Jerusalem - George W Bush presented a radically new plan for Mideast peace today.
"You folks need to stop fighting," he said in a conference with Israeli and Palestinian leaders.
Reaction was swift and positive. "Amazing!" said Isreali Prime Minister Olmert. "We never thought of that before."
Palestinian Prime Minister Abbas initially questioned the plan, asking "What about cross-border incidents?"
"That's easy," said Bush, "You need to stop those missiles being fired."
"Excellent!" replied Abbas. "I never thought of that. I shall have it done immediately."
Having solved the problems in the Middle East, Bush returns to Washington where he will offer his plan on global warming, entitled "The Earth needs to stop heating up."
"You folks need to stop fighting," he said in a conference with Israeli and Palestinian leaders.
Reaction was swift and positive. "Amazing!" said Isreali Prime Minister Olmert. "We never thought of that before."
Palestinian Prime Minister Abbas initially questioned the plan, asking "What about cross-border incidents?"
"That's easy," said Bush, "You need to stop those missiles being fired."
"Excellent!" replied Abbas. "I never thought of that. I shall have it done immediately."
Having solved the problems in the Middle East, Bush returns to Washington where he will offer his plan on global warming, entitled "The Earth needs to stop heating up."
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
DLC Concedes Election!
Washington - Seeking to address a growing rise in the popularity of the Democratic Party, the Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) announced today that it is conceding the 2008 election.
"Traditionally, the DLC concedes only elections where victory is not a sure thing," said a spokesman. "By refusing to demand full recounts or investigate Republican officials who purge voting rolls of Democrats, we have successfully avoided having to govern our nation. This lets us concentrate on our core competencies: hiring consultants, giving advice and raising money from corporations."
But recently, things have gotten out of control. In Washington State, Christine Gregoire insisted on a recount that forced a Democrat into the governorship. Across our nation, rogue Democrats who tried on a "50-state strategy" capitalized on last-minute GOP missteps, such as the Foley revelations and the "macaca" Youtube. As a result, Democrats failed to stay out of power in Congress.
Now a tsunami of voter anger against Republican misgovernment threatens to overwhelm the DLC's traditional defeatist tactics.
DLC is responding creatively; by immediately conceding the election to the Republicans, it can begin hiring consultants and raising funds on the basis of Republicans mismanagement for another four years.
And in 2012?
"There's always another way to lose an election," twinkles Bob Schrum.
"Traditionally, the DLC concedes only elections where victory is not a sure thing," said a spokesman. "By refusing to demand full recounts or investigate Republican officials who purge voting rolls of Democrats, we have successfully avoided having to govern our nation. This lets us concentrate on our core competencies: hiring consultants, giving advice and raising money from corporations."
But recently, things have gotten out of control. In Washington State, Christine Gregoire insisted on a recount that forced a Democrat into the governorship. Across our nation, rogue Democrats who tried on a "50-state strategy" capitalized on last-minute GOP missteps, such as the Foley revelations and the "macaca" Youtube. As a result, Democrats failed to stay out of power in Congress.
Now a tsunami of voter anger against Republican misgovernment threatens to overwhelm the DLC's traditional defeatist tactics.
DLC is responding creatively; by immediately conceding the election to the Republicans, it can begin hiring consultants and raising funds on the basis of Republicans mismanagement for another four years.
And in 2012?
"There's always another way to lose an election," twinkles Bob Schrum.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Huckabee came in 4th in Iowa
Total Democratic Party Vote: 239,000
Total Republican Party Vote: 115,000
Obama 90820 (38% of 239,000)
Edwards 71700 (30% of 239,000)
Clinton 71700 (30% of 239,000)
Huckabee 39,814
Romney 29,405
Thompson 15,521
McCain 15,248
Paul 11,598
Giuliani 4,013
Hunter 515
Note: Romney PLUS Huckabee is still less than either Obama, Edwards or Clinton
Total Democratic Party Vote: 239,000
Total Republican Party Vote: 115,000
Obama 90820 (38% of 239,000)
Edwards 71700 (30% of 239,000)
Clinton 71700 (30% of 239,000)
Huckabee 39,814
Romney 29,405
Thompson 15,521
McCain 15,248
Paul 11,598
Giuliani 4,013
Hunter 515
Note: Romney PLUS Huckabee is still less than either Obama, Edwards or Clinton
Pentagon to replace Jesus with Thor, Zeus
Washington, DC - The Department of Defense is experimenting with replacing Jesus as an element of basic training in favor of more warlike deities, such as Thor and Zeus.
"We have nothing against the Prince of Peace," said the religious consultant in charge of the program (speaking on condition of anonymity), "But Christianity's emphasis on honesty and non-aggression is incompatible with our invasion of Iraq and plans to bomb Iran."
Consultants initially recommended replacing Jesus with Aphrodite, after an extended personnel interview with the goddess Herself. "Regrettably," said the consultant "While Aphrodite gave a rigorous training ritual, all the male troops feel asleep afterwards."
Testing is now underway comparing the Norse and Roman pantheons. Replacing in the Lord of Peace with a God of War is due to be implemented in FY2009.
"We have nothing against the Prince of Peace," said the religious consultant in charge of the program (speaking on condition of anonymity), "But Christianity's emphasis on honesty and non-aggression is incompatible with our invasion of Iraq and plans to bomb Iran."
Consultants initially recommended replacing Jesus with Aphrodite, after an extended personnel interview with the goddess Herself. "Regrettably," said the consultant "While Aphrodite gave a rigorous training ritual, all the male troops feel asleep afterwards."
Testing is now underway comparing the Norse and Roman pantheons. Replacing in the Lord of Peace with a God of War is due to be implemented in FY2009.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)