On the walk, I got the call. Doctor was of the opinion that treating Arthur would be useless. His temperature was 93 degrees. I accepted her evaluation and went to the hospital. I bargained with Death; I would take him home for a last look around, try oral rehydration with a syringe, let him die at home.
I knew none of this mattered. There was a reason he had stopped eating and drinking. We don't know what that was - doctor implied that so many causes could be soft tissue that does not show on x-ray - but something had required his eye to come out five years ago - but he had access to solid, pate and liquid, and had refused even tuna. Occasionally he nibbled on something, and that memory gave me hope, but there was something killing him. Did I want to drag it out?
When I took Arthur in, and they recommended euthanasia, I asked for options. They said they could try a 3 day course of fluids, and cited the cost. I agreed to that. They suggested taking him home and I asked if he could stay overnight, intending to minimize the disturbance of transport. This was probably an error, since it deprived all of us of a final night together.
In the morning, on the call, Doctor was sympathetic and genuinely sad. She had saved Arthur's life five years ago, so trusted doctor. I will never know whether this was the right decision.
Once I had stopped bargaining with Death in the parking garage, I went inside. In a private room, they asked me to sign the paper authorizing euthanasia. I decided to take Arthur home first and talk it over with his cat mom, co-owner Vanessa, and also show the other cats. They asked me to wait. As it happened, Vanessa and Heather were both working, and came to talk with me. They brought Arthur with warmed rice bags and a white comforter. His head poked out and his ears were up, but he was not active. If he had been healthy, he would have pushed with his paws to control the situation, and he did not. Occasionally he gave a sound like a cross between a faint version of his hunting howl; they said he was wheezing.
We took last pictures.
I both wanted and did not want. I wanted Arthur to be healthy and this was not available. I wanted to do what was best for him, and this was not knowable. I authorized the euthanasia. There was already a line in his foreleg. Doctor explained before she acted. She injected clear saline to clear the line. She injected a pink fluid sedative. Arthur's head sank as if sleeping. He was gone.
The rest is silence.
No comments:
Post a Comment