Last year, nearly one penny out of every dollar spent in the United States of America went for salaries and bonuses at Wall Street firms, prompting demands for a new federal holiday: Bankermas!
"Many holidays, such as Christmas or Thanksgiving, include gestures of helping the less fortunate," explained one banker. "But are these really significant? America's 1,085,000 federal minimum wage workers, all together, made $26 billion in 2013. That same year, America's 165,200 investment bankers awarded ourselves $127 billion in total compensation (salary and bonuses). That makes us more than five times as important as the working poor; our paychecks are nearly one percent of the $16 Trillion GDP! (technically: 0.75%). We deserve a celebration: Bankermas!"
Pundits cheered this accomplishment, "Every time you buy a 99 cent hamburger, what happens to that other penny?" one asked. "Don't worry, it's not lost; one way or another, it ends up safely in the pocket of a Wall Street banker! If you spend $100 on groceries, 75 cents of of that goes to the people who helped collapse the economy. If you spend $10,000 on a used car, $75 that goes to Wall Street - almost enough for a champagne lunch or half an hour with one of their hookers."
On television, a blonde in a short skirt explained, "George Washington gets a holiday for something he did over two hundred years ago. Why shouldn't Wall Street bankers get a holiday for something they're doing right now?"
Congress is expected to act quickly on the proposal. "There's an election every other November," said one campaign manager, "And we all know that a happy Wall Street banker is a generous Wall Street Banker!"