Friday, January 11, 2008

GOP Denounces Racism, Sexism

At their Jan 10, 2008 debate, Republican presidential contenders angrily denounced racist and sexist voters in the New Hampshire primary. "Those who voted against Obama were racist!" thundered Mitt Romney. "Those who voted against Clinton were sexist!"

"And those who voted for the white man John Edwards were both racist AND sexist" agreed white man John McCain.

"911," explained angry New York mayor Rudy Guiliani. "On 911, racism 911'd sexism with 911. 911!"

Huckabee attempted a positive tone. "You can prove that you are not racist and sexist," he assured the audience. "Voting for a white male Republican candidate means you are refusing to vote against either Obama or Clinton!"

Lobbyist Fred Thompson was unawake for comment. Alan Keyes' comment was ignored by the press.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Tale of a Middle-Aged Wiremouth

My story is more funny than sad.

While employed and insured, I'd started a course of orthodontia. As a middle-aged man, I'd laughed at the idea of braces, but the doctor explained that bone loss in the jaw could have some very negative health effects. So I took the plunge; my insurance covered most of it.

Then my job was eliminated.

Suddenly it was a choice between paying the rent and finishing the course of orthodontia. It wasn't an ER-type emergency, so I walked around as a wiremouth for a LOT longer than was really good for me.

Eventually, I got insured again, got rid of the braces, and got the bridge. Gradually the deteriorated bone restored itself somewhat, now that the teeth were properly aligned. I don't have the medical knowledge to estimate what that means to my over all health, but it's got to be an improvement.

My story isn't really sad, but can you imagine what if I'd had a really serious dental issue, perhaps an abscess, and no care? It's taught me to pay more attention to health care issues; I think my great nation of America should be #1 in the world.

I do think it's funny that I wore braces longer than any teenager.

( Tell your health care story: )
Jerusalem - George W Bush presented a radically new plan for Mideast peace today.

"You folks need to stop fighting," he said in a conference with Israeli and Palestinian leaders.

Reaction was swift and positive. "Amazing!" said Isreali Prime Minister Olmert. "We never thought of that before."

Palestinian Prime Minister Abbas initially questioned the plan, asking "What about cross-border incidents?"

"That's easy," said Bush, "You need to stop those missiles being fired."

"Excellent!" replied Abbas. "I never thought of that. I shall have it done immediately."

Having solved the problems in the Middle East, Bush returns to Washington where he will offer his plan on global warming, entitled "The Earth needs to stop heating up."

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

DLC Concedes Election!

Washington - Seeking to address a growing rise in the popularity of the Democratic Party, the Democratic Leadership Council (DLC) announced today that it is conceding the 2008 election.

"Traditionally, the DLC concedes only elections where victory is not a sure thing," said a spokesman. "By refusing to demand full recounts or investigate Republican officials who purge voting rolls of Democrats, we have successfully avoided having to govern our nation. This lets us concentrate on our core competencies: hiring consultants, giving advice and raising money from corporations."

But recently, things have gotten out of control. In Washington State, Christine Gregoire insisted on a recount that forced a Democrat into the governorship. Across our nation, rogue Democrats who tried on a "50-state strategy" capitalized on last-minute GOP missteps, such as the Foley revelations and the "macaca" Youtube. As a result, Democrats failed to stay out of power in Congress.

Now a tsunami of voter anger against Republican misgovernment threatens to overwhelm the DLC's traditional defeatist tactics.

DLC is responding creatively; by immediately conceding the election to the Republicans, it can begin hiring consultants and raising funds on the basis of Republicans mismanagement for another four years.

And in 2012?

"There's always another way to lose an election," twinkles Bob Schrum.