Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Bush Sends Ailing Troops to War

Just how SICK a "commander-in-chief" do you have to BE to send a guy on crutches into a war zone?
"... Master Sgt. Denny Nelson, a 19-year Army veteran, was sent overseas last month despite doctors' orders that he not run, jump or carry more than 20 pounds for three months because of a severe foot injury.
The soldier, who has a Bronze Star and is a member of the Mountain Post's Audie Murphy Chapter, was sent to Kuwait on Dec. 29.
Nelson says he was one of at least 52 soldiers deployed who should not have been, and a veterans group says the military is endangering soldiers to meet its goals..."


"Crazy W" proclaims "Dollar Value Days!

Fort Knox, KY - Standing on pallets of $100 bills, Salesman-in-Chief George W Bush announced "Dollar Value Days At The U.S. Treasury".

"Our discount dollar prices are I-N-S-A-A-A-N-E!" he yelped, flinging handfuls of worthless dollars into the audience of foreign dignitaries, whose members jostled to avoid being touched by the toilet paper substitute.

Until recently, the Dollar was a premium brand, commanding high prices throughout the world, prized for its durability and longevity.

That strategy changed with the acquisition of a controlling interest in the U.S. Treasury by a consortium lead by OPEC which installed Bush as CEO of its American subdivision.

Using the methods pioneered by corporate raiders in private industry, Bush swiftly divested the USA of its most valuable assets. He sent our military to eliminate Saudi rivals in the Middle East, and sold the American reputation for respecting human rights for pennies.

But progress was still too slow. "At the rate of only $1 Billion a day," said the salesman nickname "The Decider", "We were indebtifying America to foreigners at too slow a rate. I decided that the strength of the dollar was the greatest threat to our greatness. So I invaded the Treasury and opened the doors to all comers, especially those who bear gifts!"

"The Oval Office is open for business," he chortled, "No offer will be refused!"

In related news, the Office of the Vice-President has been relocated to Dubai.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Stocks Climb in a Negative Direction on News of Bush Plan

Wall Street - Reacting to the latest plan proposed by George W Bush, the stock market climbed in a downward direction around 250 points today.

"That's great news," said White House spokesliar, "An increase in the lowering of the Stock Market shows the degree of Wall Street confidence in Bush's plans and abilities."

Bush plan is straightforward. To increase economic activity, he reduces the amount that businesses pay for their share of government services, such as courts, clean water and defense. "My previous efforts to free business from responsibility," Bush explained, "Worked so well, that I want to do it again!"

To get that part of his plan through, Bush has had to compromise. To get support from persons earning up to $100,000, he offers a $800 individual ($1600 if married) loan from future generations.

"The beauty of tax cuts during deficits," explained Mr. Bush, "Is that it's paid for by loans, and the people who'll have to pay back the loans are too young to talk."

Market reaction was swift, with a strong reverse improvement. Future generations were unavailable for comment.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Pundits Denounce "War On Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr Day"

Charleston, SC - Standing next to the Confederate flag flying on state capital grounds, a group of hypocritical rightwing pundits angrily denounced the War on Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr Day.

As recently as the year 2000, South Carolina state employees could choose to honor a confederate general instead of the assasinated civil rights leader and American patriot. "I mean, this is not Madison, Wisconsin," said Bill O'Reilly said, "Where you expect those people to be communing with Satan up there in the Madison, Wisconsin, media."

The portrayal of a War Against Martin Luther King, Jr Day caught some advertisers by surprise. Pundits had endorsed Wal-Mart's decision to celebrate the holiday as a victory in the culture war battle for those who "want to retain the MLK Day tradition."

Others, however, agreed that the liberal media has ignored Dr. King's message. Said a spokesman for the Holiday Retailers Alliance, "His courage and eloquence taught us that, black or white, red or brown, all Americans should have equal access to 15% off on pillow-top mattresses, with free delivery and disposal of your old mattress."

In related news, Seismologists reported a minor earthquake centered on the grave of the Nobel Peace-Prize winner. "This happens every year, " said a spokesman from The King Center, "The way people forget that his message was equality and non-violence, he's just spinning in his grave."