DC - George W Bush resigned as President today, citing a desire to quit early as he has so often before.
"Frankly, it just hasn't been fun anymore," said Bush. "People don't realize I can't be deciding decisions all the time, like how to comfort people about the economy and their lost jobs. I may be the Unitary Executive with power to spy on you, imprison you, torture you, send you to war and even re-write the laws with signing statements, but I don't have the power to do anything about the economy.
"And people keep bugging me about our troops still dying. What's the big deal? We have to occupy Iraq until we finally catch bin Ladin, don't we?"
"I've always believed in quitting early and having one of my daddy's crew clean up. Whether it's the National Guard or Harkin Oil, I know I can count of those who come after to fix what I done. Adios, like they say on TV!"
Bush's last act was to sign a blank sheet of paper with "Pardon" written at the top. "Dick says he'll fill in the rest for me," he explained.
By coincidence, upon being sworn into the Presidency, former Vice-President Dick Cheney's first act was to sign a pardon for Bush.
"Go ahead and have your little 'election', mother fuckers!" he muttered. "We're in the clear!"