Thursday, January 22, 2015

Angel Accidentally Sends "God Wants You To Be President" Email To Entire GOP; Blames Autocorrect

Overworked Angel Sent Email
"God Wants You To Be President"
To Every Republican Politician
The Angel entrusted with transmitting the Word Of God to mortals accidentally sent an email entitled "God Wants You To Be President" to every Republican politician alive today, promptly mass confusion in Heaven and on Earth.

"I Send A Bulletin From God To All Republicans Every Week, Using A Simple Email List," explained The Metatron from his office in the Seventh Heaven. "When I Drafted His Divine Message To The Candidate He Hath Selected To Be President, The Address Autocorrected To That List. I Did Not Notice. My Boss Is Omniscient, But I Am Not."

Compounding the problem is the ease with which Republican candidates believed that they, and they alone, had been selected by God to be President. "God wants me to be President," said Ben Carson, Bob Corker, Bobby Jindal, Carly Fiorina, Chris Christie, George Pataki, Kerry Bowers, Jeb Bush, Jim Gilmore, John Bolton, John Kasich, Lindsey Graham, Marco Rubio, Mike Huckabee, Mike Pence, Mitt Romney, Peter King,Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Rick Snyder, Robert Portman, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz and legions more. 

Computer theologians explained that, while such an error would be impossible to the Omnipotent and Omniscient Deity, an Angel is not so perfect a being that it is incapable of error. "The Seven Deadly Sins have a chance at any mortal, and even some angels, such as Lucifer" explained the Soul of Alan Turing, "But Autocorrect? It gets everyone."

God's response to all this was simple: "Damn Thee Autocorrect!"

And Heaven and Earth replied, "Hosanna!".

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