The Republican Party of the United States (R-PUS) is demanding a $50 Billion bailout from the United States Treasury, shortly after announcing it had opened a bank and was collapsing.
"Our market share has steadily declined for years," said spokesliar Newt Gingrich, "Our deep investments in Iraq, warrantless wiretapping and croneyism have lost consumer appeal. Our only hope is to open a bank - the Republican National Bank - and demand a bailout."
Corporate media cheerleaders agreed the GOP needed a swift infusion of taxpayer dollars: "If the Republican Party collapses, voters will no longer have access to such staples as flag pin scandals, talking points based on snipping a single phrase out of a speech, and the sort of "balance" that gives equal time to candidates who believe in science as to those who doubt evolution. This could destroy the pundit industry and threaten Democracy as we know it."
The Treasury Department issued a press release stating that it was carefully studying the situation, and would be sending the first 20 or 30 billion dollars to the Republican Party within a day. "This should reassure Party members that their investment in the party is safe," said an official, "When the party's fortunes collapsed on November 5, many stakeholders feared they'd no longer be able to get no-bid contracts, or a suspension of safety regulations in return for their political contributions. A swift infusion of federal funds will stabilize the Party's decline and make it profitable, once again, to bribe Republican officials."
The President, widely rumored still to be George W Bush, was unavailable for comment. "No-ones listening to him anymore," said spokesblonde Dana Perino, "So why bother?"