"Washington DC - Republican candidate John Sidney McCain ordered running mate Sarah Palin to use her power as governor to cancel hundreds of millions of dollars of earmarks being spent in her state.
"I was shocked by reports that she had hired a lobbyist to bring in $27 million in earmarks to Wasilla, " McCain said, "That's about $3,000 of pork for each resident, or nearly enough to pay for four pair of my shoes!"
McCain was also startled to discover that Palin signed a budget accepting something like $300 per Alaska resident in pork. "The average America is the beneficiary of maybe $30 or $40 of earmarks," McCain explained. "Alaska is full of moose. Why does it need pork?"
"Fortunately, Palin can issue an executive order to suspend any project using earmarked money, and she can use her line-item veto to remove that money from Alaska's budget. It won't take her long!"
McCain also ordered his campaign to decline any use of facilities paid for with earmarks. "I refuse to land at a public airport that has benefitted from pork!" he muttered. "My bus will avoid any highways, off-ramps, overpasses or bridges built with earmarks."
There was concern among campaign staffers when McCain spotted a public frinking fountain. "The local water plant had been built with earmarks," a spokesman explained. "We've already been avoiding public restrooms because, you know, the whole Senator Craig thing. But the sight of John McCain enjoying free water purged of contaminants through pork would have been shocking. Fortunately, we had plenty of Evian on hand, and he didn't need to sully himself like a member of the common herd."
Calls to the University of Arizona, beneficiary of McCain pork, went unanswered.
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