Sunday, May 22, 2016

Happy Or Angry But Not Both

Driving to barre I heard on the radio a chef explaining a life-changing realization: he could be happy or he could be angry but he could not be both at once. This seems logical. I have much to be angry about but I don't enjoy being angry so I need to focus on what I feel happy about. I still feel angry at Kris' betrayal, and perhaps that feeling will never go away, but I feel basically happy about my life right now so I need to think about that more. At barre, one of the women spontaneously noted that I was looking much more trim than last year, and even said that someone had mentioned that to her. This is flattering and it's also true - two things to feel happy about, but best of all is the opportunity to talk with someone outside of my ordinary round. Thursday or Friday night I had a beer with Dan and we discussed our respective ex situations. Kris had tried to change me to what she wanted and it didn't work, so I'm better off without her. Even more, I could not change her to what I wanted, so I'm better off not settling for her. While I am lonely, I'm not going to change my basic nature and creative endeavors are more important to me than meaningless dinners or yet another walk in the sun. IF this means I'm missing out on something, I do regret that but then again: 4freeCLE! my appeals court wins! distributing books at VA! maybe even more success delegating WPTL! my new found albeit unconventional family! and my home - my basic exercise in creativity - and my dance - the one thing that reliably gives me joy. I would not give up more than a few of these for the perfect partner, because she would not be the perfect partner if I had to give most of them up. I can be angry about that or I can be happy about it. I think it's something to be happy about, because it gives me direction and my solitude meaning.

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