Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Flaming Bag Of Poo Is A Founding Father, Says #GOP Candidates

Actual photo of newest
GOP Presidential Candidate

Internet historians were astounded to discover that Republican candidates were correct in stating that among America's Founding Fathers was the hitherto little-known Flaming Bag of Poo.
Minnesota Representative Michele Bachman's initial statement had previously been derided by the lamestream media and historians, when she told Fox News, "Party leaders act like my candidacy is a Flaming Bag of Poo."  When asked if she meant that they considered her unlikely to contribute to victory in 2012, Bachmann replied "Not at all. Our Founding Fathers included a Flaming Bag of Poo, left on the doorsteps of many a British soldier. The British regretted stepping on it, as party leaders are regretting stepping on my candidacy."
Internet historians were quick to respond, updating the wikipedia entry for Flaming Bag of Poo to include actual photographs of Poo signing the Declaration of Independence, freezing at Valley Forge and breaking the tension throughout the hot Philadelphia summer of the Constitutional Convention.
Not to be outdone, Bachmann's rival Sarah Palin announced her own special historical knowledge of the Flaming Bag of Poo. "When Paul Revere went ringin' those bells to warn off the British, we now know that he also left flaming bags of poo on their doorsteps. Them British soldiers sure got what-fore when they heard his gunshots and came a-runnin'!"
Some candidates expressed reservations about the Flaming Bag of Poo. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty seemed puzzled when asked about the role of Flaming Bag of Poo, but soon announced he had long favored putting a Flaming Bag of Poo on the doorstep of every icon of Big Government, such as school houses and fire departments. However, Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney swiftly claimed a lead on the Flaming Bag of Poo issue, stating "I am the candidate with the most experience with poo. Obama has never had to hose poo off the windows of a car, as I did after tying my dog to the roof. I'm the most qualified to do the same with the American people!"
A snap poll showed that 37% of all Americans, and 78% of Republicans, agreed with Bachmann. "I saw her say it on TV," said one supporter, "And I though, well, she must be right. Only in America!"
But the biggest news of the day came from none other than Flaming Bag of Poo himself, at a hastily called press conference in which Poo announced his intention to seek the Republican Party nomination for President, "Why not?" announced Poo, "I have all the qualifications needed to run for the office. I've been around politics longer than anyone else; I'll go anywhere my handlers want and take any position they set up; and I'm completely  full of that substance which I cannot name on TV but which nourishes the crops. I'm not the only one that is full of it, but I'm the only one that admits it. Vote for me!"

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