Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Regulations for Pissing on Cheney's Grave Announced

DC - The National Park Service announced today that, responding to popular demand, it is preparing rules and regulations for pissing on the grave of Dick Cheney.

"It's important to remember," said a spokesman, "That Cheney does not have an actual grave at this time, since he is not dead. However, public interest in pissing on his grave makes it increasingly urgent to have plans in place."

"Ordinarily, we do not encourage urinating in public places. However, Cheney is so universally hated that we see no practical way of keeping it from happening, and have decided instead to regulate it as any other recreational activity."

Once the final resting place of Dick Cheney is determined, NPS will conduct hydrogeological studies to determine the likely drainage. "This is an important health measure," said the spokesman, "Remember, the grave will house the rotting remains of Dick Cheney, a heavy load on the wellbeing of whatever community it curses. We may have to install a large septic field as it is. Charging a small fee for pissing on Cheney's grave may be the only way to recoup those costs."

Sceptics claim that NPS is simply seizing an opportunity to profit from the burgeoning piss-on-Cheney's-grave industry. "The first day my webstore was up," said one young entrepreneur, "I sold over 1,000 bumperstickers saying 'Piss on Cheney's grave? Hell yeah!". Now the government wants in on this? As Dick says, "F*** You"!"

Others cautioned NPS against excessive regulation. "We're talking about an expressive activity," said a First Amendment expert. "Our forefathers, were they alive today, would be lining up to piss on Cheney's grave."

Current plans call for limiting pissers to a few hundred a day, charging a small fee for maintenance and upkeep. Children under 12 will be free, but dogs and other urinating animals will count as an adult. "Will someone brings in an elephant to piss on his grave?" chuckled an NPS employee. "I hope so. Ever see one of those cut loose? We may have to close the place for the rest of the day!"

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4 comments:

Jimmy L said...

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HARRY B. Lebowitz said...

piss on him now, why wait!

HARRY B. Lebowitz said...

WHY WAIT, PISS ON HIM NOW

HARRY B. Lebowitz said...

why wait? do it now