I had a busy day today, somewhat complicated by the poorer internet reception down here in the basement, but I got it done. An extensive debriefing with Cyril lead to a greater understanding, some of which I shared with Kris as we, at her suggestion, went to the Triangle for food. We had a reasonably pleasant talk over dinner, which she insisted on paying for despite my insistence that it was my turn (I don't think that it was my turn but that's the game we've always played.)
After two glasses of wine and some protein, Kris decided to go looking for sweetened condensed milk so she could make macaroons. Unfortunately they didn't have it at Bartell's; she seemed annoyed when I asked a clerk to confirm this. Her inappropriate annoyance popped up here and there as we walked home. We entered the front door - I unlocked it for her and held it for her as always - and she suggested that I'd want some peace and quiet.
I realize now that this was her way of dismissing me. Foolishly, I interpreted it literally; I didn't especially need peace and quiet one way or another, and she had been acting friendly enough that maybe she wanted some company. I asked if *she* wanted peace and quiet; this was stupid of me; I was supposed to interpret her cryptic sayings as expressions of her will that she is not required to come right out and speak. Somehow we got on the subject of what she wanted, and what she wanted was to know something about if I found her bathroom superior to mine. That struck me as a truly odd remark, but it was also her laying claim on the top of the house in a way that bugged me; I have agreed to sleep downstairs to keep the peace, but I do not surrender equal possession of any part of my house. I foolishly asked her what she meant. She said the toilet seat was up. I said that I was sorry that while I had emptied the wastebasket (which was filled with her used menstrual pads - Kris has never felt any obligation to dispose of them on her own - such tasks are a man's job in her world) that I has pissed in the toilet and flushed.
She said that we needed to lead separate lives. I said that I never but never used the upstairs bathroom while she was in the house, and that I didn't think it was unreasonable to use it when I was cleaning it. She said that I had asked what was on her mind, and that's what was; at this point I should have just gone downstairs and let it blow over, especially since she was showing her usual signs of intoxication: angry brows, trying to stare me down with a fixed jaw. At some point she said that I should pay half of the mortgage, and I replied that was fine, as soon as she returned my down payment. She asked how much that was - which is something that we discussed extensively when we bought the house and on several occasions more recently; it is a worrisome thought that she can't remember the number $30,000. I don't know what it means, but it is worrisome. She said she could borrow that from her mother, and then where would I be?
Threatening court action really bothers me. I don't want to fight but once it goes to court, it's going to get really bad. I don't see how the court could award her the house against me, since our relative incomes are not really relevant, but I am really sure that the entire process would be very very very very very very unpleasant.
So I have to avoid any form of conflict.
Kris is not able to perform the slightest conciliatory gesture. Once she is fixed on the idea that I have done something wrong, there is not only no way that she will ever change her mind, there is also no way that she will offer even the slightest pro forma apology for hurting my feelings.
This is at best very bad manners. People have disagreements all the time, and make apologies. That's just part of life.
But it's not part of Kris' life. She expects me to live in the crappy part of the house while she has the three nicest bedrooms to herself. She expect me to drive her to the Y tomorrow and to Pilates on Sunday. She expects this and that and the other thing, but most of all, she expects me to accept her drunken will without the slightest need for the tiniest bit of manners on her part.
I have to remember that this is what it is like to live with an alcoholic.
I need to renew my effort to connect with Al-Anon and get help in keeping this relationship smooth.
Well, Kris just came down to try some sort of conciliartory gesture - not to apologize, of course, or indeed to refer to her previous conduct at all. She instead said a funny thing about the nose hair trimmer and we had a good laugh.
I suppose this is her way of trying to make things work out. I have to interpret this as the closest she can do to an apology.
It is in my interests to accept it.
I would prefer something more to the point, but that's like asking her to speak Russian - she can't so it's crazy for me to expect it.
Without judgment or expectation.
I don't know what is in her past or in her head to cause her to act this way, and it does not really matter I suppose. Her actions resulted in feelings in me, but the actions themselves are not to be judged.
I must not expect her to act in any way other than as she has.
Now ... I have more important things to work on. The DAV meeting tomorrow should be good!