Thursday, February 18, 2010

Theory of Gravity DISPROVED! by SCIENCE!

Dearest Colleagues:

I write to you from the Intensive Care Ward of Vancouver Polygnostic University Hospital, where I am recovering from injuries sustained in the name of Science, thusly: I have utterly dis-proven the Theory of Altitudegenic Gravitational Waning, or AGW.

You will recall that a vast conspiracy of intellectuals, motivated by the lust for grant money funded by sources Better Left Unnamed, have covered up all evidence questioning their assertion that the attractive force of Gravity does wane with the increase in altitudinal separation from our Mother Earth. Burdened by this false "theory" they concocted complicated rationalizations involving square-cubes "laws" in defiance of the commonsense observation that our Earth is a neither a square nor a cube, but an oblate spheroid! Yet THEY control the scientific journals and THEY control the grant money!
Brave space explorators should have toppled this Theory, for in Skylab (mean altitude 50,000 km) gravitational attraction indeed wanes to near zero, whilst Tranquillity Base on the Moon (mean altitude 258,000 km) experiences significant gravitation! Mars (mean altitude 28,000,000 km) has even greater gravity than on the moon, and on mightly Jupiter (mean altitude 68,000,000 km) the force of Gravity, far from waning altitudinally, may actually exceed that of Earth herself!
Surely (you must be thinking) these scientific observations shattered forever the AGW myth; but alas! the pro-AGW cabal currently controlling our Institutions of Learning REFUSE to publish peer-reviewed papers disproving their AGW "theory", they have kept the lid on this, the greatest scientific scandal since Galileo was suppressed as well!

To overcome the fearsome forces arrayed against truth, I conceptualized a simple experiment bypassing scientific publication IN FAVOR of public demonstration. Journeying secretly to the Vancouverian Winter Olympics, I placed myself at the altitudinal maximum of an instrument commonly called a "Snow Boarding Half Pippet". Were the pro-AGW theorists correct, I would slide down the structure monotonically, and not experience an increase in altitude along the way.

By means of my Beetleborg Altitudimeter, I determined that the test run would collect data from 1955 to 2010 C.E. (Canadian Elevation, denominated in Canadian Reverse Notation, or meters from the summit of Mt. Whistler). Ignoring the cries of uniformed security officers seeking to interfere in the Advance of Science, I lept into the Half Pippet and accelerated by means of the strong gravity present at that lofty altitude. I confess I felt a moment of doubt and then a thrill as I proceeded downwards, wobbling in the chaotic nivaic fluctuations. Then, having accumulated a sufficient decrement in altitudinality, in conformity with the technical exercise recommended by Professor Shaun White, I re-oriented semi-orthogonally to the axis of the pippet and then EUREKA! at 1998 C.E. I was propelled upwards along the wall of the pippet!

Audible gasps and even cheers arose from the crowd of assembled researchers as I flew not downward as the false theory of AGW would require, but upward into the clear air of reason! So great was my joy that I immediately produced from the pockets of my vest two bottles of champagne in celebration, and in a single maneuver pulled off a doubled cork.

Due to local altitudinal perturbations, I soon effected co-incidence in space-time with structural features, and regrettably, the rest of the experiment is unclear to me. No matter! no matter! For all have seen that gravity of 1998 C.E. went higher than in later altitudes such as 2010 C.E.!

AGW is proven to be teh complete hoax!!!!

The honors have already poured in; whilst I have not yet the Nobel Gold, already a bracelet of silver metal is on my wrist, connected to a like honour on my bedstead. The uniformed Servant of the Queen who presented me with these awards is taciturn, but I am given to understand that more is likely to be forthcoming.

Ever onward, my friends! Ab luce ad tenebras!


Professor Certain.


Inferno said...

I was always suspicious of gravity anyway, what with it's one-sided downward bias. Your study only confirms my suspicions.

Stu said...

This is groundbreaking research. Take THAT, gravitistas!

I had previously thought that AGW might be try, as I am prone to light-headedness at altitude. Since my head is where my thinking is done, this is where the effect is most noticable. It must therefore follow that the rest of my body was lighter too.

However, I almost fainted after giving blood a couple of weeks ago (a selfless act those grant-grabbing gravitistas would never do!) and that was almost at sea level, so bang goes the theory as they say! Bravo!

Tahoe said...

Fabulous post! Question - copious dosages of opiate-based painkillers are necessary/avoided for the full understanding of this post?